22nd june, 2015,
9:30 pm around,
I’m on the terrace sitting on a chair. A table infront of me with a vase. A water bottle to moisten my dry throat. Audible sounds of different insects going around. Nearly quarter sized moon shining up in the sky trying to lighten up the earth as much as it can, stars twinkling and lightening. There’s buddha stupa nearby and those peaceful eyes carved upon it staring me trying me make me the same. The cool weather (it had rained the whole day), my lonliness, darkness everywhere ( only few windows of different houses can be seen lightened up) and as like the surrounding, darkness in my HEART.
Ummm i don’t have any words to jot down right now, to express the things i’m feeling. I pick up the bottle of water, take a sip, put it down again. This is what i do when i have no idea what to do indeed. Funny though 😀
I look everywhere, everyside, down to the road, distant hills and mountains, lights glowing far away from me. I wonder if its a house or anything else because its to tiny and i later realise that its because i’m miles away from them. I find myself a biggest fool. Then i look to the sky, too huge, its covering us, the earth. Then i feel like guessing its shape, i’d say oval for the first time. It feels like we are within a huge ball then according to the geology knowledge i have i’d say its not oval and its not like a ball. But its flat, the sky is flat over us and the earth is spherical in shape. I strongly doubt if its a sphere. Then how come we are staying so firmly onto it? we must’ve been falling down? how come these hills and mountains are fixed there? Moreover, it’s been said that earth rotates, then how the hell we can’t feel the motion? why cant we move with it? Later i realise everything i’m imagining about is too large, its beyond my imagination. Then i’d be like Fuck this Shit, i don’t really need to think all about these.
I return to myself now. Then i get to know the reason behind me thinking all about this universe a moment ago is just to run away from my present situation that i’m going through. Actually i’m in a horrible condition and i…umm.. i really don’t know why the hell i’m being like this? I take another sip of water and the reason for this..umm.. i’ve mentioned it already..lol
Then i suddenly hear something moving on the road. I look down, its a bicycle. I’m like, ‘dude, its dark all over there. How on earth u r riding it? u may get into accident.’ After a few seconds when that bicycle crosses my gaze i’d say ‘who cares’. haha
Why am i acting like this? M i going insane? M i going crazy? or what?
I can’t figure it out even. It’s too damn disgraceful, pity on me.
I envy those clouds i see in the sky. How come they are always with such beautiful things. The MOON and the STARS. I can feel how happy they must be. (just a thought)
I envy the flowers infront of me. They grow up, develop their own color, own petals and leaves even the fragrance. They can taste each and every climates and they don’t have to worry about anything.
Actually i envy every non-living thing now who doesn’t have a heart. Atleast they don’t have to get hurt and they don’t have to stay sober like me at this very moment.
Now, i feel like i’m out of control. My breaths are irregular. Sounds generated aren’t clear enough nor they are audible. I keep shaking my legs for no reason. I shouldn’t be freaking out like this? i should keep control with my condition? i don’t know what to do really? it’s been a new experience for me and the cure for it is not within my range.
Oh! help. I need help. I really do. Is there anyone? Anyone who can help? Anyone who will emerge out form this darkness just to be with me. Just to take me out from this worst situation. To take me back to my normal life. To make me feel better again.
But, alas! there’s none. Really? seriously? Isn’t there a single person who can do this? Among all these millions of people isn’t there any? Wow! its such an incredible thought. And..umm.. its my fate. Let it be wot it is.
Now, i feel something in my leg. Something pierced inside my skin. Something sharp like a needle. Ouch! it hurts. Later i got to know its mosquito. I feel like hammering it and turn it into paste making my palm red blooded. But i don’t like to do this. I let it go because i think i should let someone live happily even an insect, just not like ME.