Today, I was with one of my friends. It was around 6pm. It was our daily routine to get out of our residences at this time, hang around, get fresh air and have some cups of tea.
It happened as usual. And we were leaving for our respective place. I was meant to drop him and get myself home but this happened.
“ Hey! Hey! Where are you taking me?”, he screamed from the backside of my bike.
After going 10m away, I stopped the bike hurriedly.
“ Oops! M sorry, m sorry. I was somewhere else.” I apologized hastily.
“ where the hell were you man? Are you gone crazy?” he yelled this time.
“ I was lost in fantasy. It’s not that far, you can walk maybe.”
“ Yeah, I can. Had you not given me lift, I would’ve also walked Bitch.” He sounded like he was making out some joke.
But that joke, didn’t really help me out. I was actually not in a mood to laugh or to smile. Something worst was going through my mind. I was totally demolished from inside.
But for the sake of his happiness, I said with a broad smile,” then you should have walked motherfucker.”
“ Okay sale. I’ll go now. Drive safe.” Handshaking with me he bid me goodbye and left.
I, then rode down the road and asked to myself,” where was I lost actually? What was I thinking about?”
Then I got this reply from my heart.
“ I’m in front of the mirror. I looked into myself closely. I lean towards the image and ask some questions.
who I am? Where m I heading to? Where is my destination? What m I doing? What m I supposed to do? Do I really deserve this?
I couldn’t get the answer for the single question. Actually, I have no idea what m I doing. Even though I know that I shouldn’t be doing this or shouldn’t be in this way.
I’m totally bemused.
I know that I don’t deserve this. That’s someone else’s already and still I’m hanging on that.
Why? Why do I have to do this? why m I being like this? why can’t I just take me out of this evil thing and storm away? Why can’t I forget everything that happened and not have any expectations towards that?
I can’t do this, never ever. This thing called ‘HOPE’ is dangling me by a thin rope and I even don’t know that it may break into pieces someday.
Every time, I think of leaving this all. Forgetting everything. Leaving everything as they are and make myself safe, not hurting anymore, some feelings erupt inside me and doesn’t let me shun this thing. I don’t know why this happens, why these kind of thoughts are rising within me but I just can’t help myself.
I wish I could dispel these feelings and let them evaporate out of me. I wish I couldn’t get myself again in the right path not letting my heart entangled in that messy thing. I wish I could be back to my own world again, being the same young, wild and free guy. I wish I could expunge everything, rub out everything rough scribbled in my heart and start a new nice story again. I strongly wish that I could do all these.
Actually I’m adulterating myself, enervating myself. Sometimes, I play these feelings in my mind, why m I so dumb? So foolish? Such a stubborn, an obstinate and pig-headed guy? I’m well educated, not an illiterate person but why m I acting like this? A sane human being takes mistakes as his path director, he learns from his mistakes. But why can’t i? despite the fact that I know what will be coming in the near future why can’t I stop myself from throwing myself in this trash? I truly loathe myself.
I should seriously pursue myself towards the destination where I am supposed to head not where I am now. Someone needs to hypnotize me and tatoo this sentence in my mind “c’mon dude. That’s not for you. That’s seriously not for you. You should try evading this thing from your mind and move on. That’s not what you are born for.”
Alright, I agree this. I do.
But ignoring this and leaving it just behind me will be too arduous for me. Every time I get to interact with this, I get some kind of feelings that oblige me to think, is there anything? Any connection? Anything that may happen in future? Anything that I’ll venerate?
Alas, no. it’s all my mental illusions. I’m ruined mentally in fact. My mind is just making up these things trying not to stay aloof from this thing. Actually, the mind is the biggest cheater I think. It has the capability to generate the feelings, and it’s using this advantage precariously. Whatever is the condition it will produce the kind of feelings and allow ourselves to lead towards that no matter it’ll be good for us or not.
Well, m tired of trying all the possible ways. I’m deflating now. I have to halt myself going through the wrong way or even if I’m in that I should consider it as some different thing not what I’m trying to make.
And If I keep going like this then who knows I’ll be deeply hurt and can’t get healed again.
THAT’S NOT MY CUP OF TEA.