A Private Hostel Room…

“I don’t have any idea where will we end up? What will we be doing?” the guy to the left expressed his frustration covering his face with both of his palms.

“C’mon don’t be concerned so much, we will definitely figure something out.” Guy to the right being patient tried to recede his stress.

A confined room. Three beds inserted, pillows and blankets left unmanaged, a book-rack, a multi plug in between the beds, wiring for the laptops and phones all over the floor, water bottles, clothes dispersed all around, a table just to put random stuffs with an ashtray of glass.
A room in a private hostel in Kathmandu.

“It’s been six months already and here we are still with supplementary exams and a dark future.”

“yeah we are but let’s not get panicked already. It happens to everyone’s life.”

Three boys are under the roof of this room. One of them just started his intermediate classes in science department while the two of them completed the four years of bachelor but still hanging with few backlogs.

It’s 11 o’clock at night. The room is dark, light switched off. The youngest of them have already slept. And there they are at a corner of room having a little chat about their study, career, struggle and life as usual.

“It’s getting over my head. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t stay idle like this. I’ve got to do something.” the left guy extended his disappointment.

“hmm. We should. We just can’t stay like this forever. But I believe we’ll eventually get to something. Let’s get a degree first.” right guy continued his positiveness.

“what have we done till now? Nothing. Just an onerous stuff for our family.”

“well, stop acting like that. We’ve just completed our bachelors study. Now, our time is starting, time to be the responsible person towards ourselves and family. It just doesn’t happen overnight.”

“And I don’t know when will that time arrive to us. Life is being a fucking hell to me.”

“Don’t freak out too soon dude. stop being such a pessimist.”

“And what have you done being an optimistic? Huh?” left guy hollered to the other one.

“At least I’ve controlled myself. I’ve been properly managing the fire in my heart, burden in my mind. All the stress I go through, I’ve been suppressing them inside. We have no alternative beside that.”

Silence.

The left guy stay speechless. Probably thinking that the other guy is correct in some sense. But he just can’t help himself. He is being too hopeless. Everytime he reminds himself about his future plans which he had successfully created before joining college, he groans in pain. He moans literally. To have a good degree of bachelors, get a job, earn for himself, be a responsible guy towards his family is all he wanted. But things are being arduous now. Fate is not rolling towards his side. He feels himself as a burden to his family that he is unable to support them. He’s helpless indeed.

“light one more cigarette. Will you?” left guy asks the other one.

“Sure but it’s our last one keep it in your mind.”

“Ah huh.”

Nothing visible in the dark room. They just talk not facing each other even. In that very darkness only a ray of light in the room from the tiny space left out by the curtain of the windows makes the smoke visible raising up above, the burning part of the cigarette and the ash falling down to the ashtray by the side.
And that youngest guy in the room, he hasn’t slept actually. He’s just pretending to have been asleep listening to each and everything they’ve talked, feeling the every pain they’re going through, their groans and their bugbear. He just wish that his life won’t turn out to be like that.

Actually it’s obvious that they are being pretty much frustrated by their life at this stage. It’s the most critical time. Unemployment, career, responsibility and all the struggle. Everything is out of control. You just can’t handle out. You’ve just completed your study, all the dreams you had, all the plans you listed, all the future visualization you created, everything pinch a lot.
On the other hand, the expectation of your family. The way you convinced them before taking all of the decisions, the way you persuaded them to allow you to take your path of life on your own. Everything makes you just like a failure guy. You just feel like you have nothing, nothing in your hand, nothing within you. You feel too ashamed, too embarrassed to face as well. All those hopes you planted in their fertile heart now starts erupting. They now find their way out through the eyes in the form of tears or may get stored in your brain in the form of FRUSTRATION.
Now, this is how ‘the expectation of family converts into pressure’. Yes, they used to support for everything you used to do. Because they believed in you, they believed their own son/daughter. They had faith in you that their investment won’t go in vain, you won’t dump their efforts in trash within a whisker. And they had to believe as well since you were the one to spread the seeds of belief in them with some loyal words. And the main thing is you seemed credulous enough. You knew it properly how to choose correct words so that you can trap them within your plans.

Now that pressure is building up. They will try to remind you all those words, all those promises you made before. They will hardly understand what you’ve been going through even if your being unable to keep those words are solely inadvertent. They will have this thing in their mind that you totally betrayed them. You are a cheater who cheated on those people who showed you this beautiful world.

But you are not. If there’s god somewhere, he may know that you are not a cheater, not a traitor of your own parents. It’s just, things aren’t going as you want. Now it becomes too difficult to make them understand. It’s totally obscure to them. Now they won’t listen you, not a single word. Why would they? Why would they have time to listen all your faulty promises once again? Why would they be willing to get deceived once again? Why would they since they have once done it already. ‘Human beings learn from their mistakes’ and here your parents will implement that saying. Listening to you again and again, believing you again, and letting you do whatever you want is just not happening now.

This is such an awful time. You are literally pissed off. You feel like you are alone in this vast world. No one is with you. No one is there for you. Your own parents seems like the most evil enemy of your life at this very insidious time.

But only god may know that no one is guilty in this innocent war. Neither you nor your parents. You took the step, you took that decision because you believed yourself, you followed your interest and your parents corroborated you because they believed you. They had this feeling that you could do it to the top, you can carve out the best of your life. And now they are mad at you just because you couldn’t make it ASAP. They deserve to be too.

Apart from all this family expectation and pressure thing, your own zeal will now start kicking you. Your energy, your enthusiasm, your eagerness, your hunger, your passion will now starts enervating you. All of a sudden it seems like you don’t deserve them anymore. You aren’t just capable enough to achieve all those things. That is not something you forte. Your knack doesn’t fit that level.

You are hopeless. You have this antipathy in your mind, in your heart that you can’t do anything in your life. You are born to do nothing. You are a waste. You are just a huge pile of muscles supported by skeletons who does nothing. Neither you can satisfy yourself nor your family. You are out of your own complacency. You feel like there’s no meaning of your life anymore. And this is the time when someone feels like doing suicide. Those who can’t control themselves, who can’t tackle all these hurdles won’t make it long enough. They may pave their way out of this world, out of their life. And those who believe themselves, who are dauntless, who are audacious and brave enough to face all these horrible situation will make it out. They will surely get out of this hell and make their way towards pleasant heaven.

You aren’t just a waste. Nobody is here without any talent. You just need to discover that. Explore yourself in right time. Someone may take time to do that but it doesn’t mean that you are a total waste, you can do nothing. First thing is to believe yourself. If you don’t believe yourself then why the hell other people will believe you? You just have to have faith and never cease anything in your life. Let everything running, let everything alive. Your dreams, your passion, your interest, keep them alive. A successful person is a dreamer once I’d say. If your dreams and desires die within you then there’s no meaning of your life, you are a living corpse.

And the most crucial thing to understand is that: all these struggles and pressures at this very much critical time makes you understand the real meaning of LIFE actually. The real taste of life lies within this phase. Savour it, taste it by every means because you never know when you’ll get to the another step and can’t get this opportunity again to know the meaning of life.
Life has just started. Everything you did before this time were all like scheduled before you were even borned, everything you do once you get settled will just be a monotonous life but this time, this burdensome time, this is LIFE. You have dreams, you have uncertain future, you have all the hurdles to clear, you have friends to cheer up, to entertain, you have parents to push you forward everytime, you are confused and still you are moving on. No matter if you can’t run, you are at least walking or crawling in this time. All the hard times you go through, you are enduring them beneath your feet and trying to learn to make a small curve in your face and smile always. And i’d say this is what we may call LIFE.
Everything you have mayn’t be yours later, you’ve got to enjoy each and every bits of this time. You’ve got to enjoy to the fullest because you never know what’s waiting for you at the next level.
It’s your life, you don’t need anyone’s approval to do anything because someone had finely said,” you are the captain of your ship, you are the master of your fate.”

tension

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