“should I or should I not?” this kept reverberating in his mind.
His phone screen in front of his eyes. He has opened the chat he had done before with her. It’s complete darkness around him. He is all awake with this anxiety of not being in contact with her. His anxiousness can be clearly seen in his agitated face which is illuminated with the brightness of his phone in that blackened surrounding. His eyes, his glowing eyes enchanting with the feeling about being in contact with her again cannot even blink out. They are like hooked up with the phone screen scanning each and every talks they had earlier. Sometimes he would laugh out reading all the funny jokes they cracked, he would smile on all those lovely talks they had and sometimes he would get gloomy with anything bitter they had shared. But he was enjoying it. And now he wanted to resume though he didn’t know why did they end up talking all of a sudden.
Actually, that first meet they had in Alina’s café, that was the last time they met or they talked or they were in contact. It’s been around a week that they were staying aloof. They were detached from each other. And he sincerely doesn’t know why all this thing happening? Why they are being like this? Why they are staying silent? Why they aren’t in touch?
Well, it may be that awkwardness they felt when they were facing each other that day. It may be that hesitation they were having in talk before meeting and even when they met up it happened.
Whatever it is but that awkwardness is obviously a naïve victim. It shouldn’t be blamed for them not talking. It might surely be their own ego problems they have. They both may be waiting for another to take that first move. They must be thinking if s/he isn’t they why should i? well, it just doesn’t work out. There must be one who should take that initiative, Who should take that first move or first step, Who should appreciate one another’s ego and get ahead, there must be one.
One of them were never gonna confront and make that move. They were such stupid fools. Maybe they are too amateur in this case. They are like little kids who won’t go school for his toy or something. Well, someone should go and tell them it just doesn’t work out like this. You should just kill that ego off and make the initiative.
But it doesn’t mean that he was being nonchalant here. The only reason why he stayed distant was that he expected any call or text from her end and that didn’t happen. Well, expectation leads to disappointment and that’s what happened here. Now, he is disappointed, he is disheartened.
There wasn’t such moment when he didn’t think about this matter. All that week, he stayed nervy. He was no uneasy, uptight or upset. Every time whenever he got free from his own work, he would straightly open the chats he and she used to have. He would read a bit, he would check out her profile, what picture she had updated, what changes she had made their, he would check out all of that just to confirm that she is still there. And then he would click on to the textboard and think about what to write to her. All this would happen; he is going numb, he is going inane. His heart and his mind is hollow. He is empty from inside. He cannot think of anything and can’t generate any words to write to her. His hands are shaking with the fear, with the anxiousness and nervousness he is having and he would just be unable to type any letter. He would have such a cold condition, he is too damn dispassionate.
Then, there would be this conversation within his mind.
“Come on, go on. Type some freaking words dude.”
“No, you shouldn’t. why should you be the one to text her first?”
“Well, don’t act like a kid. Don’t get childish. Be the first one and clear it up.”
“If you do, you are so gonna get down to earth. You won’t be in that level like a man. Stay bold, stay dauntless.”
He would just utter something like this and cease every processes going on in his phone. He would close any chat he was checking out and leave it as it is.
He failed texting her. Calling her was miles away. And this was the thing he was dealing with the whole week. He would face this thing twice or thrice a day and still he would be unsuccessful.
He wonder if the same was happening at the other end. If she was also facing the same condition throughout the week. He was way too eager to know this but he just couldn’t. Is she thinking the same what I’m thinking? Is she also being like this? Is she also being anxious? Does she wanna talk again? Does she also open all the chats we had and talk with herself? Oh wait! What if she is thinking the same now? At this very moment. What if she’s reading all those talks we had like I’m doing now? Oh! I’m going crazy, leave it. She possibly mustn’t be being the same as I am. She mustn’t be doing all these crazy stuff that I’m doing. She must be busy with her work. She doesn’t have time thinking about me and stuff about US.
Meanwhile all of this goes on in his swirling mind. Everything just randomly stir in there and create a chaotic condition which he can’t defend.
And then he would sometimes think about those moments when s/he were in good touch. All those talks over phone they had, all those late night chats they did and everything they shared. He would remind all those in his mind and smile all alone. Oh! How happy he was when he used to talk with her. Jolly good! It was. Every chat they did, no matter if she did or not, he would definitely reply her within a sec.and wait for hers until it gets delivered. God! Those were the happy days. Those were the days, the moments which made him love his life even more deeper.
But it was no more now. They were all gone. They doesn’t exist now. And its all because of themselves. Their own ego. Or say self-respect.
“Should I or should I not?”
After a week since they are detached, he suddenly comes with this formidable feeling that he should take the initiative. Till today whatever it might be that was keeping him with himself which didn’t help them being allied, but now he won’t let that thing dominate over them. He will surely win the war today and will be triumphant.
“Yes, I should.” He decided.
It was viber in which they used to talk. He opened that. But now he’s perplexed what to write. What must be his first text after this gap?
“Hey, how u doing?”
“Hi, how are you?”
“Why ain’t you talking?”
“Why are we being like this?”
“Is everything okay?”
“Do you still remember me?”
A series of text options popped up in his head, the casual ones. But he is still bemused which one to choose. “should I ask her a casual question like we’re starting all over it again or should I ask why we’re not talking all of a sudden?” another question which he couldn’t solve.
Then after few minutes of thinking, he came up with asking her a casual question not the reason why they became contact less because it would sound quiet rude to start that issue immediately.
“Hey there, how u doing?”
He typed them with his lumbering fingers. He was like, he doesn’t know about the keyboard he used to type before. He doesn’t know where the letters are located. He hardly found them, made a word and created a sentence.
After being successful of typing such a long sentence, it took him two minutes to think. “Am I doing right? Will it turn out to be good for me? Will it be fruitful for me?” whatever will be the consequences, he just had a long sigh and clicked ‘send’.
He got into his works again. But all his mind was there, there in that phone. He now was too eager to hear that text tone. When will she get it? When will she reply? All that was roaming in his mind was this.
After every five minutes he would check out if the text was delivered or not? If it was seen or not? But alas every time he would check, there was the same story, sent but not delivered. He started getting some kind of doubt or fear that she was no more in there now. Maybe she doesn’t have viber in her cell now, maybe she was fed up of waiting for his text and she uninstalled it. He was so worried about it.
He then wanted to confirm it through facebook. He texted if she was there or not? This time he didn’t have to think a lot before texting her as he had already done that now.
And again the same thing,
sent but not delivered. Now, he started getting tensed all around. His mind started wandering to every circumstances he and she had created. Now, he was quiet sure that he won’t be seeing her any more. She was not there in social networking means she was too distant. She probably had already given up the feeling of talking all over again with him.
Thinking such things made him devastated. He felt decayed from inside. He blamed himself for this condition he was dealing right at that very moment. He was the culprit himself. He ruined it all. Now, he was begging for something to return which he will never have again.
He was so cold, so frozen later. All he was thinking was he wont have those good times again. He won’t be able to bid her ‘good morning’ again and wish her for a ‘good day’. He won’t be the one to wait for her to be free and talk with him. He won’t be the one to crack some jokes and laugh with her. He won’t be the one again. All these things were driving him crazy. Neither he could pour tears nor he could smile. He was in such a downfall, he just couldn’t hand himself to get out of there.
Then he thought of something to give a last try. He wanted to give her a call in her phone.
With all the guts he had he dialed her number which he remembers from the day one and was ready to call.
“What should I say at first? What must be my first words that could impress her, that could make her forget all those gaping we had and resume everything again? What if I ruined it again? What if I can’t speak up? And what if he phone if off? What if she doesn’t use it anymore? what if she won’t answer my call? What if?”
“Okay! I’ll just greet her and talk normally. That’s how I’ll restart everything again. Let’s do it.”
He pressed the green button in his phone.
It passed around forty seconds that he has been keeping the phone in his ear hoping that she would pick up. It felt like he passed years within those cruel forty seconds. He had more than forty kinds of thoughts within that time and a pile of questions and answers.
But no, everything went in vain. He became apathetic and decided to forget everything that happened because
The phone said,
“Sorry! the subscriber you have dialed didn’t answer. Please dial again later.”